If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee I’d want to hear about your week first. Tired of always sharing bad news, I’d like to hear your exciting stories or comfort you and offer solutions to problems other than my own.

I was talking to a woman on the phone and she kept asking me, “What are you doing to support yourself?” I keep wondering the same thing. She thinks I should talk to someone, I’m not so sure. She said, “I have no doubt you can handle this, when we’re in survivor mode we can get through anything, but we all have basic needs and when we don’t notice they aren’t getting met it can sometimes turn up down the road in insidious ways.”

This has been haunting me.

Someone very close to me went to the hospital this week. It was only for three days thankfully, but I didn’t know how long it would be. I was terrified without being able to be in contact and feeling powerless. Now I am feeling maybe a little less patient, a little more cranky than usual, a little more likely to snap when people talk to me. Are these things related? I’m not sure.

Honestly, I’d probably have canceled coffee with friends today if we had plans. As it is I skipped my cup this morning, a decision I already regret. It’s hard to talk when it’s always something worse happening, something you have no chance to control. I guess I will chant the Serenity prayer and write in my “things I’m grateful for” journal. I’m grateful I’m still alive, I’m grateful I want to be alive, I’m grateful I have wonderful friends and family, and I’m grateful I still have hope that things will get better.

Hopefully next week brings some good news.

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