Out of One’s Mind, Without Ease

I am twenty-two.

Grown-up in a world with so much to lose.

 

My mom does not know who I am,

Not because she left, because she can’t

Process memory like she used to,

Plagued by a disease that’s so cruel.

 

First, she was crying, “What happened to me?”

Knowing she was sick was no victory.

Now, the diagnosis is forgotten with so much more,

Like how to put on shoes or what forks are for.

And it blows my mind that a simple thing,

That a child could do and find boring,

Is a struggle for her to try and complete

Like knowing a peel or rind is not something to eat.

Using the bathroom or putting on clothes

Feel like tasks we always will know.

Till awoken to the cold truth of despair-

It’s much more than an issue of choosing what to wear.

 

These thoughts, they’re hard, a fist to the gut,

Slamming my heart with hurt so abrupt.

 

On the phone: “Hi, Mom”. She says, “Hi, Mom” back.

I choke back the tears so she won’t react.

I tell her I’m her daughter and she says, “I know”.

But whether that’s true has yet to be shown.

 

This is real sadness I feel in my bones.

It seeps through my pores, escapes in small moans.

Sometimes, a tear, and sometimes, a flood,

Sometimes just anger boiling my blood.

 

How do we cope with fate worse than death,

When time only feels like holding my breath?

Hoping the course is slowed to a crawl,

Then wishing she could just be free from it all.

Where is the mercy, is it letting her go?

What’s the right thing to do and when will I know?

How I am supposed to act in a life

Void of her presence as a mother and wife?

 

She gave me direction, watched as I grew,

Encouraged the morals I knew to be true.

She loved me with patience, kindness, and care.

Now I’m faced with a future where she won’t be there.

 

It just doesn’t seem fair.

 

I am only twenty-two and my mom doesn’t know.

I love her too much. I’m not ready to let go.

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20 thoughts on “Out of One’s Mind, Without Ease

    • Thank you for your kindness. I always think on here it’s sad to share so many struggles because it shows you just how much suffering is out there. But somehow at the same time it feels healing to be connected and to feel understood.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Hey, Serena. To say that I can feel your pain will be unfair but I’ve seen some people suffer from terrible diseases. Just hang on and stay strong!! I hope that smiles lasts for long.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I got really teary-eyed on that one, as would anyone with a heart, I suppose. Thanks for sharing so openly, and don’t worry about posting the sadness or anger. It’s understandable and it’s not a negative thing – other than how unfair the actual disease and loss is. But that’s the reality of it, and it doesn’t go away when it’s not mentioned.
    I’m glad to hear it helps you to feel the connection to others through comments, and it helps me to feel that connection too. Most everyone has some kind of grief, and being in touch with the feelings and then knowing others feel it and survive helps the anger and pain of it diminish for all of us, I think. *Virtual Hugs* -Sheri

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your own heartfelt words. I feel a lot of grief I think and I don’t like to feel like I’m burdening others with it, but is nice to feel like it’s being lifted through sharing. I haven’t posted in awhile too because my friend just lost her battle with cancer this weekend and I’m so lost for words. She was only 24 years old. It feels like life should just stop, but I guess it cannot. Thanks for the hugs, I definitely need them!

      Liked by 1 person

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