#AtoZChallenge, A is for Alone

Last year this challenge got me into the blogging world and I had intended to do it again this year, although I did not expect to be so busy! I’m going to try my best to complete it anyway! I’ve been going back and forth between theme ideas, and I think I’ve settled on one. In college, I had to write an essay that focused on my flaws. I titled it “Self Paradox”. I think at the time I really thought I was being honest, but now I read it and see where I was defending my actions even through the exposure. For this challenge, I would like to dig deeper and find something through each letter of the alphabet to address and challenge. Not to make myself feel bad or seek sympathy, but to grow through self-analysis and hopefully identify some flaws I can work on fixing.

I like being alone. I also hate being lonely. It is certainly a contradiction when I get invited to do something, decline, and then sit at home and feel like I’m being left out. I wouldn’t quite say I’m anti-social, because when I’m in social settings I do fine. I just find it really hard to get motivation to leave the house, especially for situations that are unfamiliar.

I used to get this feeling of loneliness all the time. It didn’t feel the same as just being sad. It felt more like some sort of void that came from within and gnawed at my soul like a creeping chill. I could feel it fester in the pit of my stomach and I hated and embraced it all at the same time. It was the feeling I could sink into and I thought it made me write honestly and freely. Thus, the pattern began where I would decline invitations to go out and then wish I was out with everybody else.

I still like being alone. I still decline a lot of invitations to hang out. I don’t get that same feeling of loneliness as much anymore. I think part of it is being busy, part of it is being in a stable relationship, and part of it is just growing up. I’d like to say I’m getting better at going out more often and I’ve taken responsibility for the fact that I know it makes me feel bad, but the truth is I haven’t.

Maybe by time this challenge is over I can say otherwise.

 

Here’s last year’s post if you’re interested! A is for Africa (and Accra)

 

 

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12 thoughts on “#AtoZChallenge, A is for Alone

  1. I can definitely relate. Lately I say “no” a lot more than I used to. I feel happier and more content with my life now though. I am kinda wishing I would have started the A to Z Challenge this year…I wonder if it’s too late.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. WHat an admirably introspective theme. I used to do the same thing a lot, alothough I was also really good at keeping myself busy with little projects to avoid thinking about being lonely too much.

    Also doing the A to Z challenge, and it’s especially challenging this year because I’ve committed myself to posting a short story every day!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I use to think I was an introvert because of my shyness but I’ve come to realize over time that I’m more extroverted in that I get my energy from other people so I rarely choose staying in over going out. However, I think sometimes staying in can be the best thing too. A balance works best for me and I’m always struggling to find it. WeekendsInMaine

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Welcome back, Serena! Good to see you again.

    Don’t apologize to anyone if you enjoy being alone. Certainly doesn’t mean you’re lonely just because you’re alone, especially if you’re choosing to be so. And it’s not anti-social either. It’s your life. You get to decide. Have fun with it, no matter which way you go.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks John! Good to see you again as well. I had to come back for A to Z, I had such a great time with it last year writing and reading everyone’s posts! This year might just be a waking discovery that I’m extremely hard on myself and in reality I’m just like everyone else…I guess I have till Z to figure that out! :p I’m looking forward to reading all your posts!

      Like

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