Is baggage something you acquire and continually grow your collection of? Or do you eventually drop it off somewhere when you’re tired of carrying it around?
I ask because I’m tired of carrying my baggage around, but I can’t seem to find a place where I can safely drop it off.
I’ve been cheated on. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve had my trust shattered. I’ve been disappointed, betrayed, deceived…
Of course I’ve done my share of heart breaking. I’m not inculpable.
All of these experiences have contributed to my baggage collection. Each peek through a browser history, each password decoded, each explicit message I was never meant to read, have gradually weighed me down.
Should I take blame for looking when there was always something to find?
There was one time when I got home and my ex had bought a new phone. His first smart phone, in fact. This was frustrating to begin with because he did not have the money to afford a smart phone, but then he locked it with a password and refused to tell me what it was. I think I took that as a challenge.
So when he wasn’t home, I just looked through the browser history on the computer and lo and behold, ALL the dating websites. Including a site supposedly for rich men to date hot women…. This was especially hilarious since he could barely afford to pay rent and utilities (although maybe that’s because he kept buying frivolous things like sunglasses and smart phones). And by hilarious I meant I felt like I was going to vomit and my body started shaking uncontrollably.
I picked up paranoia and I picked up ways to ease (or confirm) my fears. I learned to replace honest communication with sleuthing.
I’m getting better at talking myself out of searching for things I don’t want to find, but I still feel that urge sometimes. Maybe Mimi in La Vie Boheme said it best, “I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.”
How about you, dear reader? Have you been able to let your baggage rest? Or are you continually reminded of what you cannot leave behind?
Thanks for checking out my 2017 A to Z! Here’s last years: B is for Bennington, VT