B is for Baggage, #AtoZChallenge

Is baggage something you acquire and continually grow your collection of? Or do you eventually drop it off somewhere when you’re tired of carrying it around?

I ask because I’m tired of carrying my baggage around, but I can’t seem to find a place where I can safely drop it off.

I’ve been cheated on. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve had my trust shattered. I’ve been disappointed, betrayed, deceived…

Of course I’ve done my share of heart breaking. I’m not inculpable.

All of these experiences have contributed to my baggage collection. Each peek through a browser history, each password decoded, each explicit message I was never meant to read, have gradually weighed me down.

Should I take blame for looking when there was always something to find?

There was one time when I got home and my ex had bought a new phone. His first smart phone, in fact. This was frustrating to begin with because he did not have the money to afford a smart phone, but then he locked it with a password and refused to tell me what it was. I think I took that as a challenge.

So when he wasn’t home, I just looked through the browser history on the computer and lo and behold, ALL the dating websites. Including a site supposedly for rich men to date hot women…. This was especially hilarious since he could barely afford to pay rent and utilities (although maybe that’s because he kept buying frivolous things like sunglasses and smart phones). And by hilarious I meant I felt like I was going to vomit and my body started shaking uncontrollably.

I picked up paranoia and I picked up ways to ease (or confirm) my fears. I learned to replace honest communication with sleuthing.

I’m getting better at talking myself out of searching for things I don’t want to find, but I still feel that urge sometimes. Maybe Mimi in La Vie Boheme said it best, “I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.”

How about you, dear reader? Have you been able to let your baggage rest? Or are you continually reminded of what you cannot leave behind?

 

 

 

Thanks for checking out my 2017 A to Z! Here’s last years: B is for Bennington, VT

 

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7 thoughts on “B is for Baggage, #AtoZChallenge

  1. I have an uncanny ability to let things go. Perhaps I should get angrier sometimes and not let other people off so easily. But I see it as, I’m me, and they are them. They’re responsible for themselves and I’m responsible to move on down the road if they are not treating me well. That said, it’s not like it never hurts. Working through pain and mistrust is a matter of time and perspective. I already shared one perspective that helps. And while it’s hard, I’d also recommend, as you’re doing, to try not to put one person’s faults on another. Go in with eyes wide open, but look honestly rather than behind them perhaps? I think your observation of buying cell phones and sunglasses he couldn’t afford told you more than you realized at first – a type of selfishness and concern about image that wasn’t grounded in what’s best. You can usually see something false or troublesome right on the surface. Trust your gut and do your best to ditch your fears…that’s what I do, anyway. Best to you! -Sheri

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for such a well thought out response and insight! I see so much truth in your words and yea lot of it at the time I couldn’t see for myself, but looking back at the situation now I can see the indicators that things were not going to end well from the very beginning. It’s definitely a process, but I’m working on letting those fears go. Most of the time it’s a good day, but certain actions will set me off and put me right back in that negative/anxious mindset.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s really normal – and unfortunate – to get triggered by certain things. Hopefully it will happen less and less as you have some better experiences. It’s all worth it when you find good relationships. Peace, my friend!

        Liked by 1 person

    • That somehow conjured a rather adorable image in my mind. Maybe because you used the word pet. :p I definitely need to cut myself slack in a lot of categories, sometimes it’s just hard to know when.

      Like

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